Dear Diary,
Tuesday, March 9, 2010 5:39 PM
It randomly occurred to me today that as a child, I was never able to keep a diary. I think having a cute little pink book, full of pretty paper, with a puppy on the cover (lol) has to be one of the great pleasures of being a girl. I cant tell you how many cute, little, pink books I’ve bought through the course of 3rd to 8th grade. I still have all of them. In all of these books, maybe 7 entries were attempted? Most of them left incomplete and the one that were- expressed a brighter side of things.
When it comes to having a diary or a journal, you knew there was always that risk of someone coming across your private thoughts. But even with the ones that had locks and keys and stuff, I think my biggest fear was coming across my own private thoughts. If that makes sense. (please be mindful that I have absolutely no idea where I’m going with this entry..) so as a child, I’ve never been able to keep a diary and as a young lady I second guess blogging.
There are days when I want to blog about my ex, or my best friend, or the things I feel like my life lacks. And then I just go read a book or listen to music. Because its like- what will the wrong person reading my blog say or think? What will the people mentioned have to say? Do I really want to put myself out there like that? A million and one questions. But the most important one - will I be able to finish this entry or even post it? If there’s anything we know about me - it’s that I have serious issues with being emotionally expressive and “opening up” there are days when even I don’t know who the raw me is. How vulnerable can I really get? Lol.
This isn’t to say I don’t know who I am or anything like that. Its to say I’ve rejected the weak me and have spent my whole life nurturing Thee Incredible. However, now I’m starting to wonder if weakness is the greatest part of strength… My friend Shakeem posted something interesting on twitter the other day and due to my mood lately, the randomness of the tweet kinda felt like a sign lol.
“I do love superheros because they are people who do extraordinary things but have regular struggles and problems. But they put them aside to try”
And lord knows I try lol. I try my hardest for everyone. But sometimes I need to try for myself ya know? And I honestly think my biggest failings come from hiding. If you strip thee incredible, strip the grand image of being invincible, take the cape away and make me deft to cries of others. Who am I really? I’m shy, I’m withdrawn, I’m undecided, confused… I am invisible. And not to the world, but to myself. I refuse to acknowledge my problems. Little stuff, but still! Lol. Like being attacked by the fan base of two very important boys in my life, or searching to ignite that fire within myself when it comes to singing, or school [ugh].
But I guess that the point of “unmasked” right? [rhetorical question]
For me to face my private thoughts, and face my personal emotions, and embrace the weaker side of me. When no ones there to save the hero- she has to save herself [;
Flying Off,
Saika!
When it comes to having a diary or a journal, you knew there was always that risk of someone coming across your private thoughts. But even with the ones that had locks and keys and stuff, I think my biggest fear was coming across my own private thoughts. If that makes sense. (please be mindful that I have absolutely no idea where I’m going with this entry..) so as a child, I’ve never been able to keep a diary and as a young lady I second guess blogging.
There are days when I want to blog about my ex, or my best friend, or the things I feel like my life lacks. And then I just go read a book or listen to music. Because its like- what will the wrong person reading my blog say or think? What will the people mentioned have to say? Do I really want to put myself out there like that? A million and one questions. But the most important one - will I be able to finish this entry or even post it? If there’s anything we know about me - it’s that I have serious issues with being emotionally expressive and “opening up” there are days when even I don’t know who the raw me is. How vulnerable can I really get? Lol.
This isn’t to say I don’t know who I am or anything like that. Its to say I’ve rejected the weak me and have spent my whole life nurturing Thee Incredible. However, now I’m starting to wonder if weakness is the greatest part of strength… My friend Shakeem posted something interesting on twitter the other day and due to my mood lately, the randomness of the tweet kinda felt like a sign lol.
“I do love superheros because they are people who do extraordinary things but have regular struggles and problems. But they put them aside to try”
And lord knows I try lol. I try my hardest for everyone. But sometimes I need to try for myself ya know? And I honestly think my biggest failings come from hiding. If you strip thee incredible, strip the grand image of being invincible, take the cape away and make me deft to cries of others. Who am I really? I’m shy, I’m withdrawn, I’m undecided, confused… I am invisible. And not to the world, but to myself. I refuse to acknowledge my problems. Little stuff, but still! Lol. Like being attacked by the fan base of two very important boys in my life, or searching to ignite that fire within myself when it comes to singing, or school [ugh].
But I guess that the point of “unmasked” right? [rhetorical question]
For me to face my private thoughts, and face my personal emotions, and embrace the weaker side of me. When no ones there to save the hero- she has to save herself [;
Flying Off,
Saika!